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Dear Seattle…

Wait wait wait….

Is this what I’m in for? #reconsidering

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Advice(Maybe), Messages

Punctuation, Perhaps?

Once upon a time, I received a message on Okcupid. It was really charming (sarcasm), it looked something like this:

Picture1So obviously, I saw that [and laughed/cried a little bit] and thought, well, English, right? and then promptly decided I needed to read more, if for no other reason than it was a slow day and I like to laugh.

Picture2

So, first, money sunshine? What is that and where can I get some? I mean, other than from this fine gent who somehow knows how to craft it. As well as pools. I do like sunshine, and money… so I’m sure I’d like sunshine money. And I’m ok with pools…

Sunshine_Wallpaper_by_lucasitoDEV

I went ahead and started analyzing all the ways that the lack of punctuation made this man’s profile both entirely confusing, misleading and awkward, but then I thought better of it. I mean, after all, he is really good at “writing communicating lots of things I’m one of the best”

writing communicating lots of things
I’m one of the best
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I don’t really know what I think about all this. I think, for now, I’m quite content to be single. Back to the drawing board:

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Messages

Cutting to the Chase

First off, I’m not one for beating around the bush, dilly-dallying, or hemming/hawing. I like to be direct and I appreciate when others are upfront as well. So here’s this:

Picture12That said, I’m also no old lady, grumpy curmudgeon (yet) but come on, friend! You’re 20. Stop trolling for ladies to bed on the internet. Take a stab around town. Have you been to Wrigleyville? It’s like a barrel full of fishes, ready for you to shoot. No need to “cut to the chance” (ha) or convince them you know “what you’re doing when it comes to sex.” Just buy a couple of shots of fireball, tell her she’s the prettiest girl at Sluggers (or Deuce’s, or John Barleycorn, or Barcelona, etc…. *sigh*) and use protection.

What a charmer.

 

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Apply Here

I sometimes joke that dating is a lot like applying to jobs and going to interviews. Some people, I guess, take that concept seriously. When this guy messaged me, I took it as an invitation to apply to the “job”:

resume dating

Upon reviewing the qualifications, well, I didn’t meet the mandatory requirements (I don’t have a car) but I decided to play along and sent back a semiformal message politely declining the invitation and citing my under-qualification as justification. His response:

“For fulltime that is correct. However I might suggest for part time or an internship. If you are able to work through not having a car and compromise, then you could be promoted to fulltime.”

Too far. Just too far.
Also, “fulltime” is not a word. Also, grammar.
I’m also not applying for an internship (I’m over the internship phase of my life, thank you) and I don’t need to pick up a part time job (especially an unpaid job…)

Lastly, anyone who read my profile in whole would know I don’t own a car and, in fact, think the suburbs are far enough away to constitute a long distance relationship, something I’m not looking for. So all in all, poorly played sir. Now GTFO.

GTFO

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