Advice(Maybe), Messages

Punctuation, Perhaps?

Once upon a time, I received a message on Okcupid. It was really charming (sarcasm), it looked something like this:

Picture1So obviously, I saw that [and laughed/cried a little bit] and thought, well, English, right? and then promptly decided I needed to read more, if for no other reason than it was a slow day and I like to laugh.

Picture2

So, first, money sunshine? What is that and where can I get some? I mean, other than from this fine gent who somehow knows how to craft it. As well as pools. I do like sunshine, and money… so I’m sure I’d like sunshine money. And I’m ok with pools…

Sunshine_Wallpaper_by_lucasitoDEV

I went ahead and started analyzing all the ways that the lack of punctuation made this man’s profile both entirely confusing, misleading and awkward, but then I thought better of it. I mean, after all, he is really good at “writing communicating lots of things I’m one of the best”

writing communicating lots of things
I’m one of the best
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I don’t really know what I think about all this. I think, for now, I’m quite content to be single. Back to the drawing board:

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Advice(Maybe)

Birthday!!!!

It’s my birthday!!!!!!!!

dancin

You know what that mean… Updating the acceptable man age range on millions of dating profiles…. Oh, and champagne! Champs Champs Champs!

I know I’ve been terrible at updating and the truth is… I’ve been terrible at dating lately. Sometimes I think I should just pony up and lower my standards but then I hop on Tinder again and, well, see for yourself:

blogAlthough, a money covered cat doesn’t seem too bad now that I think about it.. hmmm. Oh, and thanks Ashley, your jorts selfie really made my day. All this combined with the weather as of late and its just like,

but...

Ok, ok, ok now back to the champs!

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Advice(Maybe)

A Better Way to Date

trufflepigYou all know that I’m all about the shortcomings of dating sites. I’m like a truffle pig, digging in the dirt, looking for fungus. Alright, that wasn’t one of my best analogies but still, paid or unpaid, flaws abound, making it sometimes seem like I’m wasting my time using these ridiculous platforms that have essentially failed to move me towards any successful relationship to date (ha, unintended pun).

I’ve often found myself entertaining the notion of creating my own dating app. I mean, hell, I’ve used so many different apps/sites/services that I could practically write an entire dissertation on the ins and outs of online/mobile dating (PhD in social anthropology, here I come! Kidding kidding kidding). The other day I was chatting with a fellow Single Sally and she’s quite keen on the concept of developing a better way to date. She recently came across a podcast on Planet Money (Episode 513: “Dear Economist, I Need a Date”) about a woman who quantifies her dating experiences, tracking how well her dates went in an excel spreadsheet. In a year and half: 50 first dates, 22 second dates, 6 columns in the spreadsheet. Following a date she would record the general details of date (the who/what/where/when) and then include one comment about the date and what made it memorable. As the reporter put it, this woman was taking something “mysterious and squishy” (human attraction) and stripping it down to data and statistics. The story on planet money reminded me of the story of Amy Webb, a woman who built a list of 75 traits/characteristics she wanted in a mate and ranked them according to importance (read more about it – and my own interpretation of it…. – here). And, after reading all of this, I couldn’t help but think:

Is success in dating, really just a numbers game?

carrie-bradshaw-computer-apartmentyup. That happened. 

 

One of the things they always tell you is that you’ll know when you know (which, frankly, seems quite outrageous to me.) But really, how much of it is about luck and love, stars aligning and hearts racing, and how much of it really comes down to facts, figures, analysis. I’ve been on more dates than I can count over the last two [and a half] years and yet, here I am, still aghast by most of the pictures Tinder has to offer and sufficiently over all the “Intrigue” [read: not dates] HowAboutWe has produced.  So who knows, maybe its time to pretend I’ve got some math skills and get technical here. Dating isn’t what it used to be, so maybe how we look at it should shift as well.

What do y’all think? Give up on the traditional expectations of hopeless romantics and opt for a more modern, fast-paced, hyper-critical view on dating that aligns with how we seem to do everything these days (don’t sit around and wait, make it happen, you deserve it, if you just work hard enough, if you’re just qualified enough, set goals, set deadlines, utilize technology, analyze, reason, sensibility.) Or rather, do you think there should be an app that does it for you? For me, well, we all know I’ve still got 2 years, 9 months and 19 days to figure it out (per: The Countdown) so in the meanwhile, I’m just gonna think on it (cause that’s what you do on a Friday):

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Advice(Maybe)

The Countdown is On!

question

That’s the question, Time Magazine has posed to millions (perhaps even billions…) and you know what the answer [for me] was…

NOT YET

Timeline

According to this handy little app, which ropes in data from Facebook, I’ve got a whole 2 years 10 months and 8 days to get hitched before I become one of those Late in Life Brides. That puts my wedding date at December 19, 2016. So the countdown is on!! This is how I intend to start all conversation with prospective dates going forward: “Hello, yes, pleasure to meet you. I have approximately 2 years, 10 months and 8 days to make it down the isle. Does that fit in your time frame? Yes? Great! No? Oh, well then I must dash! Time’s atickin’ as they say!

I hear wedding bells in my future! They’re just very faint…

In case you’d like to know exactly how much time you have before reaching spinster status, visit http://techland.time.com/2014/02/10/facebook-marriage-date/

dakota

Oh, and happy Valentine’s Day, friends!

Lucky

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Advice(Maybe), Events, First Dates, Online Dating

Updates from My Sickbed

That headline, it’s mostly a joke. I’m not terribly ill. Just a little on the less than healthy side, it seems. None the less, I’m well overdue for a post and I’ve got plenty of little anecdotes to throw around from the last few weeks. We’ll start with the most recent:

1. In my fatigued state yesterday, I typed out my phone number to a nice young gent on Tinder with whom I had been chatting. After no text for a couple of hours, I figured he had blown me off. And then…. I got a text… from my dad:

Chi Serial Dater  ChiSerialDater  on Twitter

My father and I both got cell phones at the same time, on the same plan. Our phone numbers? identical, except for the last digit. I was very fortunate that my father, a notorious prankster, didn’t send this kid on some wild goose chase. In fact, my father didn’t even respond (so say my mother). And I quickly redirected the charming young man to the correct phone number, double checking each of the ten digits carefully before I hit send. We’ve been chatting. Things look promising. I smell a date in my future!

2. Saturday night I had a second round of drinks with an awkwardly adorable lawyer-type fellow. We met at a bar I had never been to and picked questionable songs from the jukebox (cute, right?) Then we headed out, grabbed a bite to eat, and he suggested we follow it up with one more drink. We shuffled our way through the frozen tundra that is “chiberia” (as they call it), and found ourself in one dive bar after another. We wound up in one of my favorite local spots where he sipped on whiskey and I savored a pinot noir. We chatted about all sorts of things and bickered about the merits of professional basketball players (my official position: those guys are hacks!) We closed the place down and shared a cab (no worries, mom. We made two stops. He dropped me off at my place, safe and sound.) This was our second 5+ hour-long date in 3 days (the previous, on Thursday night) and things were looking pretty promising. But then… eh, nothing. I’ve received a total of four texts from the kid over the last week, all in response to questions asked by me. He mentioned he “hated texting” but, I mean, commmmmeeeee onnnn. Nobody hates texting. Whatever. The kid’s got my number. If he feels like texting me ever, well, we’ll wait and see.

oh well

3. This guy with really, really good intentions cooked dinner for me. He made cabbage and spicy sausage…

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So that was a thing.

4. HowAboutWe baited me with half off the membership fee and I bit. So far, only nibbles from single men out there. The format: you write a status “How about we….[insert cute/charming/witty date idea here]”. Status goes out into the HowAboutWe community, where interested parties can click the “I’m intrigued” button. Which is all good and dandy but, as far as I can tell, nobody ever gets beyond the intrigue. No dates coming my way from HowAboutWe any time soon. On the upside, if not a single man gets his act together enough to be more than intrigued by the time my 6-month membership is up, I get my $30 back. Yippee…

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5. Meanwhile, during my zombie-like sick state, when I’m not busy coughing or sleeping, I’ve been prowling the internet, finding the finest, most eligible bachelors Chicago has to offer. Here are my findings:

UntitledA nice little selection, representing the great options available on two different platforms (OkCupid, HowAboutWe, hyperlinked, just in case you want to seek any of these guys out – they’re all single! And looking to mingle!)

That’s all to report at the moment. Once I stop with this disgusting cough, perhaps I’ll land a few more dates. In the meanwhile, my plans for getting healthier look something like this:

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Have a good weekend, y’all and have a drink for sick ol’ me on this snowy Saturday night!

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Advice(Maybe)

AWOL

Earlier in the fall I met this incredible woman who showed me that my hair really looks better in a refined, structured lil’ cut rather than long and, as one ex once put it, scraggly locks. But how great she makes my hair look is neither here nor there in this post. On the other hand, how great she is as a person, is the basis of this post! It turns out she’s diving back into the Chicago dating scene (competition is on, girl! Dukes up!) after her last person-of-interest “fell off the planet” (I think that’s how she put it). As we chatted about it over Facebook, we both lamented at how those men who go AWOL are THE ABSOLUTE WORST. But then…. I realized something…

So here’s some background: As per usual, I’ve spent the last few months going on dates. One particular gent snagged my attention more than others and his kindness and generosity kind of sucked me in a little bit. All in all, over the course of about two months (including the holiday season) we met up about half a dozen times. He was super sweet, cooked me dinner (twice!) and I was really comfortable around him. So I figured I’d wait it out and see if a spark came around. When it didn’t, well, you know, my schedule started to look busier and, uh, I started forgetting to text him back (honestly unintentionally! I swear! you know how it goes, right? When you’re excited about someone you text them back IMMEDIATELY. When you’re not, you see the text but decide to finish whatever project you were occupied with and before you know it, it’s 24 hours later and you haven’t responded…) And all of a sudden I’m that awful AWOL person! Crap, right?

And thus, here’s my question – I’ve been dumped by a handful of methods. Once, in high school, I was dumped via Facebook (to be fair, I stopped answering his calls…) And it seems the general consensus is that some methods are abhorrent while others more acceptable. Breaking it off by email? Hell no. But calling me up and showing up at my apartment to have “a talk” about how we probably shouldn’t see each other any more after casually dating for a month and a half? Well, that was a bit excessive too. And certainly far far far too awkward. So Question 1: When is it actually a Break Up with a capital B that requires formality and anxiety and possibly tears, and Question 2: how does one really gracefully bow out of something casual that isn’t progressing as hoped?

 

100% certain

 

Now, to be fair, I’m not sure the exact depth or breadth of my friend’s relationship situation so I’m not putting myself on the exact same playing field as this guy. But, I’m genuinely curious. What’s the best way to get out of something casual, with someone who is genuinely super nice, just not, you know, The One?

Colin firth

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