Advice(Maybe), Messages

Punctuation, Perhaps?

Once upon a time, I received a message on Okcupid. It was really charming (sarcasm), it looked something like this:

Picture1So obviously, I saw that [and laughed/cried a little bit] and thought, well, English, right? and then promptly decided I needed to read more, if for no other reason than it was a slow day and I like to laugh.

Picture2

So, first, money sunshine? What is that and where can I get some? I mean, other than from this fine gent who somehow knows how to craft it. As well as pools. I do like sunshine, and money… so I’m sure I’d like sunshine money. And I’m ok with pools…

Sunshine_Wallpaper_by_lucasitoDEV

I went ahead and started analyzing all the ways that the lack of punctuation made this man’s profile both entirely confusing, misleading¬†and¬†awkward, but then I thought better of it. I mean, after all, he is really good at “writing communicating lots of things I’m one of the best”

writing communicating lots of things
I’m one of the best
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I don’t really know what I think about all this. I think, for now, I’m quite content to be single. Back to the drawing board:

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Advice(Maybe)

Birthday!!!!

It’s my birthday!!!!!!!!

dancin

You know what that mean… Updating the acceptable man age range on millions of dating profiles…. Oh, and champagne! Champs Champs Champs!

I know I’ve been terrible at updating and the truth is… I’ve been terrible at dating lately. Sometimes I think I should just pony up and lower my standards but then I hop on Tinder again and, well, see for yourself:

blogAlthough, a money covered cat doesn’t seem too bad now that I think about it.. hmmm. Oh, and thanks Ashley, your jorts selfie really made my day. All this combined with the weather as of late and its just like,

but...

Ok, ok, ok now back to the champs!

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Advice(Maybe), Events, First Dates, Online Dating

Updates from My Sickbed

That headline, it’s mostly a joke. I’m not terribly ill. Just a little on the less than healthy side, it seems. None the less, I’m well overdue for a post and I’ve got plenty of little anecdotes to throw around from the last few weeks. We’ll start with the most recent:

1. In my fatigued state yesterday, I typed out my phone number to a nice young gent on Tinder with whom I had been chatting. After no text for a couple of hours, I figured he had blown me off. And then…. I got a text… from my dad:

Chi Serial Dater  ChiSerialDater  on Twitter

My father and I both got cell phones at the same time, on the same plan. Our phone numbers? identical, except for the last digit. I was very fortunate that my father, a notorious prankster, didn’t send this kid on some wild goose chase. In fact, my father didn’t even respond (so say my mother). And I quickly redirected the charming young man to the correct phone number, double checking each of the ten digits carefully before I hit send. We’ve been chatting. Things look promising. I smell a date in my future!

2. Saturday night I had a second round of drinks with an awkwardly adorable lawyer-type fellow. We met at a bar I had never been to and picked questionable songs from the jukebox (cute, right?) Then we headed out, grabbed a bite to eat, and he suggested we follow it up with one more drink. We shuffled our way through the frozen tundra that is “chiberia” (as they call it), and found ourself in one dive bar after another. We wound up in one of my favorite local spots where he sipped on whiskey and I savored a pinot noir. We chatted about all sorts of things and bickered about the merits of professional basketball players (my official position: those guys are hacks!) We closed the place down and shared a cab (no worries, mom. We made two stops. He dropped me off at my place, safe and sound.) This was our second 5+ hour-long date in 3 days (the previous, on Thursday night) and things were looking pretty promising. But then… eh, nothing. I’ve received a total of four texts from the kid over the last week, all in response to questions asked by me. He mentioned he “hated texting” but, I mean, commmmmeeeee onnnn. Nobody hates texting. Whatever. The kid’s got my number. If he feels like texting me ever, well, we’ll wait and see.

oh well

3. This guy with really, really good intentions cooked dinner for me. He made cabbage and spicy sausage…

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So that was a thing.

4. HowAboutWe baited me with half off the membership fee and I bit. So far, only nibbles from single men out there. The format: you write a status “How about we….[insert cute/charming/witty date idea here]”. Status goes out into the HowAboutWe community, where interested parties can click the “I’m intrigued” button. Which is all good and dandy but, as far as I can tell, nobody ever gets beyond the intrigue. No dates coming my way from HowAboutWe any time soon. On the upside, if not a single man gets his act together enough to be more than intrigued by the time my 6-month membership is up, I get my $30 back. Yippee…

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5. Meanwhile, during my zombie-like sick state, when I’m not busy coughing or sleeping, I’ve been prowling the internet, finding the finest, most eligible bachelors Chicago has to offer. Here are my findings:

UntitledA nice little selection, representing the great options available on two different platforms (OkCupid, HowAboutWe, hyperlinked, just in case you want to seek any of these guys out – they’re all single! And looking to mingle!)

That’s all to report at the moment. Once I stop with this disgusting cough, perhaps I’ll land a few more dates. In the meanwhile, my plans for getting healthier look something like this:

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Have a good weekend, y’all and have a drink for sick ol’ me on this snowy Saturday night!

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First Dates, Online Dating

“Back” in the Swing of Things

After two weeks home in Michigan and practically a third week off from work, I have successfully:

1. Gained a million-and-one pounds (primarily in wine and Christmas cookies);

2. Painted my bathroom a godawful shade of blue;

3. Cleaned my whole apartment;

4. Watched three seasons of SVU;

5. Failed to go on any dates and therefore failed to maintain my blog. Whoops.

Good news, my friends! While I may not be back into the professional swing of things quite yet (give me a few days…), I’ve strapped two dates under my belt in the last three days. Back in the saddle! Because, well…

tswiftMe too, T-Swift, me too.

In other news, I had a date at Glenn’s Diner the other night and it was INCREDIBLE. Their awning says “Best Food in the World” and while I don’t know how accurate that is, I do know that they had a CEREAL WALL that was stocked with every childhood cereal you’ve ever dreamed of. While I enjoyed a delectable Lake Superior White Fish, I had my eye on that box of Count Chocula alllllll night. Damn. Read more about it: here

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Messages

Cutting to the Chase

First off, I’m not one for beating around the bush, dilly-dallying, or hemming/hawing. I like to be direct and I appreciate when others are upfront as well. So here’s this:

Picture12That said, I’m also no old lady, grumpy curmudgeon (yet) but come on, friend! You’re 20. Stop trolling for ladies to bed on the internet. Take a stab around town. Have you been to Wrigleyville? It’s like a barrel full of fishes, ready for you to shoot. No need to “cut to the chance” (ha) or convince them you know “what you’re doing when it comes to sex.” Just buy a couple of shots of fireball, tell her she’s the prettiest girl at Sluggers (or Deuce’s, or John Barleycorn, or Barcelona, etc…. *sigh*) and use protection.

What a charmer.

 

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Messages

Apply Here

I sometimes joke that dating is a lot like applying to jobs and going to interviews. Some people, I guess, take that concept seriously. When this guy messaged me, I took it as an invitation to apply to the “job”:

resume dating

Upon reviewing the qualifications, well, I didn’t meet the mandatory requirements (I don’t have a car) but I decided to play along and sent back a semiformal message politely declining the invitation and citing my under-qualification as justification. His response:

“For fulltime that is correct. However I might suggest for part time or an internship. If you are able to work through not having a car and compromise, then you could be promoted to fulltime.”

Too far. Just too far.
Also, “fulltime” is not a word. Also, grammar.
I’m also not applying for an internship (I’m over the internship phase of my life, thank you) and I don’t need to pick up a part time job (especially an unpaid job…)

Lastly, anyone who read my profile in whole would know I don’t own a car and, in fact, think the suburbs are far enough away to constitute a long distance relationship, something I’m not looking for. So all in all, poorly played sir. Now GTFO.

GTFO

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